that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize