Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
