Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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