can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
