Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
