am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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