walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
