woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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