I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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