Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
