This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
