Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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