I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
