OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
