You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
