I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize