my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
