i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
