If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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