I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
