for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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