I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
