I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
