And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
