My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
