Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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