she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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