a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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