I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize