Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
The air taste purple.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
