hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
