I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
