Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
