I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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