Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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