No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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