My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
