oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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