Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
