Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
