if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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