fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
