Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
