It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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