Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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