Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
