I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
