I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
