WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Holy shit dude........stairs
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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