RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
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