Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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