Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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