I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
