What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
God, I missed his penis.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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