I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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