One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
