I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
