I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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